The weight of my issues

So throughout the years like any normal teen girl I had major issues with my weight and the way I looked in general "so pale, tiny eyes, bad skin, uneven smile, weird laugh," the list goes on for all of us I would expect.  I, as many young girls resorted to drastic circumstances to avoid those extra pounds and calories.  Even though I knew I was doing something, to me, the means always justified the gains (or losses in this case).  Throughout the years I've really tried to build a better imagine of myself.  Started paying more attention to my hair, makeup and clothes with usually very kind reactions from those around me.

But what kills me is that one iota of rejection can make it all come crumbling down and I often find myself curled up in my bed crying angry tears.  Angry at those who made me feel this way and angry at myself for not looking better or trying hard enough.  "Really, you really thought you were looking good at a size 10?"  What is wrong with you, you're still fat, you still bulge and have a double chin.  Who do you think you are?

Afterwards a supreme depression sets in, sometimes I don't because I'm mindfully denying myself, and other times I can't bring myself to care about putting one morsel of food through my lips.  In a sick way I love this time, its so freeing not care about food.  Is this how everyone else feels who's thin?  "Oh huh hum who cares about food?  I'll take a few bites and I'm good."  And as the days go on and you see your body slowly taking a more pleasing shape.

Its insane how quickly I gain and lose weight.  I hate going shopping because what works one week will literally not work 2 weeks from now.  If I get to a "skinnier" period I dive into my smaller clothes telling myself I don't know when I'll be able to use then again.

I've probably resorted to almost all unhealthy ways to lose weight - must say diet and exercise is honestly the way to go.  Nothing really works with a combo of cutting calories and moving your body.  But how often have I tried that myself?  Maybe twice.

Why am I so easily affected by others and trust others to provide me with self worth?